Giving up.

Tonight I give up. I really don't want to live anymore.  There is nothing to live for. I'm nothing.  I'm worthless.  A waste of space. Doubt anyone would care if I was gone. Everyone would be better off. Especially me. I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. 

Why can't I just die?

=(

I hate being me at times. Okay most of the time. Maybe that's why I'm single. How can anyone like me if I don't??

And why do men think its okay to just stop talking to someone as a way of saying they don't like you or aren't interested in you? Just fucking tell me! That is way easier then being ignored. It's happening to me for the 4th time.

Do I not deserve to be told I'm not good enough?  Funny thing, I thought I was. I also was stupid and thought this guy was different. I was wrong. VERY wrong. Good thing I only wasted a month talking to this guy. So now I'm sitting here typing this with tears running down my face.

 I need some happy in my life. I'm done with all the shit.

Jumped the gun?

Yep. That's what I did. I jumped the gun. I overreacted to not hearing from someone. I heard from him and met him. Miss him now too.

Too good to be true......

That old saying If things seem too good to be true they probably are. Its very much my life as of right now.

For the last few weeks I have talked to what I thought was an amazing man. He was so sweet. So kind. Called me beautiful, sweety, sexy, and babe. I was starting to fall for him. He said the same thing about me. He has been out of town for work this whole time. Was supposed to come home this week. I haven't heard from him in over 24 hours. When he told me "I miss you babe, I really do"

So if you miss me why is when you get home I don't hear from you? No email. Phone call. NOTHING?!?!

I will admit I'm worried. What if something happened to him? Car accident? Stuck in a ditch on the side of the road? But the big part of me says he really didn't want me. He just said all that stuff. And that's the part that I hear the most. And I believe.


Fuck it all,

Woot Woot!

Since Monday night I have been talking a nice man. We have been emailing each other everyday. He calls me beautiful and sexy. He is super sweet. Sounds like we are meeting next week. So super excited.

With all the stuff I have been through with guys the last few years. I still have my walls up. I still doubt what he says at times. Before I would send him a pic of me I made him send me a shirtless pic of him a head shot. Made sure he wasn't a scammer  and he was telling me the truth about who he is.

Hope this goes well.

The wrong things to say to me.

First off I don't say any of this to offend anyone. If you get your feelings hurt easy DON"T READ.


If we meet on a dating web site don't bash me because I'm not giving you my info. I don't want you to call me. I don't think I could understand you. After all you can't type in proper English. No I don't want an honest gut to have a relation with me. I want an honest guy to have a relationSHIP with me. So go back to your 7-11 and fuck off.

DON'T rub my tummy and tell me I need to work on that. NO SHIT. Like I didn't already know this?

If when I talk to you online and I get the hint you are a scammer or an asshole I will be a bitch to you. You send me pics of your penis and you have pissed me off, I will ask you if its hard and that little. I have no shame. I have done it before and will do it again.

Hmmmm.....

I keep thinking about my past. How I keep setting myself up to be hurt. Why do I do it? Do I secretly enjoy it?

Had an amazing dream last night. I was with a very cool guy. A guy I have a crush on. Not that he notices me. He and I in this dream just hung out. No sex. And he liked me! I hope to someday have that for real. With him would be awesome. Someone else okay too.

The more I think about the hurt in my past the angrier I get at myself. Why do I do it? Is it so a guy will like me? Talk to me?

Is it all because I have a shitty relationship with my dad? Do I want to replace him???