Blah

Just having a horrible day. I feel like I'm plummeting into a deep dark black hole. The sad part is. I feel like that's home. That's a comfy spot for me. Where I belong. In that deep deep dark depression. 

Giving up.

Tonight I give up. I really don't want to live anymore.  There is nothing to live for. I'm nothing.  I'm worthless.  A waste of space. Doubt anyone would care if I was gone. Everyone would be better off. Especially me. I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. 

Why can't I just die?

=(

I hate being me at times. Okay most of the time. Maybe that's why I'm single. How can anyone like me if I don't??

And why do men think its okay to just stop talking to someone as a way of saying they don't like you or aren't interested in you? Just fucking tell me! That is way easier then being ignored. It's happening to me for the 4th time.

Do I not deserve to be told I'm not good enough?  Funny thing, I thought I was. I also was stupid and thought this guy was different. I was wrong. VERY wrong. Good thing I only wasted a month talking to this guy. So now I'm sitting here typing this with tears running down my face.

 I need some happy in my life. I'm done with all the shit.

Jumped the gun?

Yep. That's what I did. I jumped the gun. I overreacted to not hearing from someone. I heard from him and met him. Miss him now too.

Too good to be true......

That old saying If things seem too good to be true they probably are. Its very much my life as of right now.

For the last few weeks I have talked to what I thought was an amazing man. He was so sweet. So kind. Called me beautiful, sweety, sexy, and babe. I was starting to fall for him. He said the same thing about me. He has been out of town for work this whole time. Was supposed to come home this week. I haven't heard from him in over 24 hours. When he told me "I miss you babe, I really do"

So if you miss me why is when you get home I don't hear from you? No email. Phone call. NOTHING?!?!

I will admit I'm worried. What if something happened to him? Car accident? Stuck in a ditch on the side of the road? But the big part of me says he really didn't want me. He just said all that stuff. And that's the part that I hear the most. And I believe.


Fuck it all,

Woot Woot!

Since Monday night I have been talking a nice man. We have been emailing each other everyday. He calls me beautiful and sexy. He is super sweet. Sounds like we are meeting next week. So super excited.

With all the stuff I have been through with guys the last few years. I still have my walls up. I still doubt what he says at times. Before I would send him a pic of me I made him send me a shirtless pic of him a head shot. Made sure he wasn't a scammer  and he was telling me the truth about who he is.

Hope this goes well.

The wrong things to say to me.

First off I don't say any of this to offend anyone. If you get your feelings hurt easy DON"T READ.


If we meet on a dating web site don't bash me because I'm not giving you my info. I don't want you to call me. I don't think I could understand you. After all you can't type in proper English. No I don't want an honest gut to have a relation with me. I want an honest guy to have a relationSHIP with me. So go back to your 7-11 and fuck off.

DON'T rub my tummy and tell me I need to work on that. NO SHIT. Like I didn't already know this?

If when I talk to you online and I get the hint you are a scammer or an asshole I will be a bitch to you. You send me pics of your penis and you have pissed me off, I will ask you if its hard and that little. I have no shame. I have done it before and will do it again.

Hmmmm.....

I keep thinking about my past. How I keep setting myself up to be hurt. Why do I do it? Do I secretly enjoy it?

Had an amazing dream last night. I was with a very cool guy. A guy I have a crush on. Not that he notices me. He and I in this dream just hung out. No sex. And he liked me! I hope to someday have that for real. With him would be awesome. Someone else okay too.

The more I think about the hurt in my past the angrier I get at myself. Why do I do it? Is it so a guy will like me? Talk to me?

Is it all because I have a shitty relationship with my dad? Do I want to replace him???

Why me?

Why do I let this happen? Why do I let a guy sweet talk me into bed and be all shocked when he finds someone else? Someday I will learn. I hope its soon.

I just want to scream. To cut my self so there is a reason for the tears. I'm being good and NOT eating everything in the house. NOT cutting. NOT hurting my self in anyway. Its hard. Not going to lie. Pain is the only reason someone should cry. Not because I got my feelings hurt. To me that's weakness. I'm stronger then that.

The "nice" guy I was talking to was also talking to someone else. Said I wasn't the fall back girl until I told him he sounded like my ex. Sorry for being honest.

Just a girl thing?

So I'm sitting here listening to music on YouTube. Is it just girls that tend to cry when a song touches them? Or do straight guys do it too? I'm sure gay guys do. What is it about music that gets me so caught up in it? I can get a song stuck in my head for days and every time I hear it in full I cry. Or I can get 5 songs stuck in at once.

I know some music is like a story for whomever wrote it. Those get me more then anything. Or when I see a concert band perform I get all teary eyed. No idea why. It could be a bunch of 5th graders out of tune and it gets me every time.

This could all because I'm having yet another crappy night. I don't know what's up with me these days. I wish I had someone to talk to. Someone who will listen and not judge. But I feel like everyone judges me. Judges my looks. How I look, act, what I do at work, the decisions I have made.

I just want to be loved.

Oh what a night.

I'm having one of those nights. A night where I just wonder and think is the world better off with out me? Would anyone really miss me? I know the world is better with me and many would miss me. I just can't help to think its not true sometimes.

After all I am a wallflower. I can blend into the background no prob. I don't like being seen. I don't like myself. I HATE the way I look. Mostly the stupid hair on my face. I think that depresses me the most. It isn't really something I can control.

Sometimes I think if I didn't have the hair would I be more confident? Would I flirt more? Not be so shy? Not be a wallflower? Would I break free of all my crap?

I hate having nights like these.

A new goal.

Today while shopping with my bestie, we decided to go to Hawaii next February. Well more like she did. She said I should skip my dirty 30 trip and save more money and go to Hawaii with her next year. Took me all of 2 seconds to say ok. It was pretty much just going to be her and I going anyway. So now I need to lose weight. 

Maybe not need so much as want to lose weight. I want to look good and feel good while I'm there. Silly I know but hey that's me. I know myself and know I have to be pushed HARD to do anything like this. My bestie will be doing it too. As well as some people on twitter. 

So as of the last time I weighed myself I was 247.0 lbs. =( I would like to be under 200. We shall see.