Not sure how I feel....

Today I have been in the oddest of moods. Not sure what it is. Or what to call it. Kind of a happy sad cranky blah. 

Doesn't help that I have been doing a lot of thinking the last few days. With the new year coming I start thinking about how I'm going to improve. Will I be better at my budget? Will I really be serious about losing weight? Will I really clean my room and keep it clean? Am I really going to go on a vacation for my birthday? If not what am I going to do with all this money I have saved for it? Pay off some bills? Doubt it. Knowing me I will spend it on stupid stuff I don't need. 

I have been doing major thinking about improving myself. Mentally and physically. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being depressed. I hate that I have no energy to do anything. I'd love to go on bike rides this spring and summer. But I don't want to go alone. 

I want to be happy for real. I don't want to fake it anymore. 

I really want to know what its like to be loved by a man. I would like to find my partner in life this year. But I need to break my shyness first. Easier said then done.