5 years later

So it has been 5 years since I last posted on here. My last post? About an ex. Scary seeing how wonderful/amazing I thought he was. Yes at first he may have been. Things change. Not always for the good.

After a month I met his kids. They seemed fine at first. Then things changed. I was yelled at, beat on, hit, scratched, strangled, belittled and stolen from. Honestly just treated worse than dog crap on a shoe. It took me over a year to get the courage to leave. Once I did it was like a huge weight lifted off me.

I'm still hurt by that relationship. I ended it 4/10/2016. I have only had 2 short relationships since. I just can't seem to make anything work anymore. Maybe I'm too damaged. I'm not worth the time or effort. I'm too depressed. Too fat. Too ugly.

Do I want too much from a partner? Maybe. But I have standards. I'm tired of being used. For sex, money, a place to live and a taxi. Do I need to leave town to find someone? Maybe. But I won't. I can't leave my mom, my family or my job. I'm way to shy for that.

I have no idea where this blog is going. If I'll keep up with it. Right now its just a jumble of thoughts. Feels good to get it out there. Even if no one reads. BTW I can't spell and sometimes have bad grammar.

Life update

Since my last post something amazing has happened to me. I can still feel God working in my life. I pray it never ends.

On March 25, 2014 I was on plentyoffish.com and I saw a picture. It was a good looking man. I read his profile and thought it would be nice to meet him. So I clicked meet me on his pic. About an hour later he messaged me. We have talked every day since then. On April 6, 2014 we met in person down at Riverfront Park. We went on a nice 3 hour walk. At first we both were wanting to hold hands but didn't. After sitting for a bit we held hands. In an awkward was at first. Then we laced fingers. Before we parted ways he kissed me. We have seen each other on average every other day since then. On April 11, 2014 we officially became a couple.

I am so in love with him. He makes me happy. The happiest I have ever been. He is kind, caring, loving, just AMAZING!!!! We have been together a month and we still haven't had sex. This is a HUGE deal for me. In any relationship in the past within a week I have had sex with the guy. We both want to take things slow. We both go to church when we can. He tells me all the time how wonderful and amazing he thinks I am. When we are together, we can't keep our hands off each other.

I am also looking for a new job.

That's about all that is new.

Feeling His spirit in me.

This post is going to be very different from those in the past. This one is very positive. And if you don't like talking about God then you should stop reading now. Or keep reading. Maybe the Lord will work in your heart and you will be saved. I'll pray for you no matter what.

For the last few weeks or so I have been saying a lot of prayers. Be it at work or home, as I drive or shop. Its like I am constantly having a conversation with God. I have missed church the last few weeks due to work. It sucks. I hadn't planned on going to church this last week either. Mainly because I wouldn't know anyone in the last two services. As I was laying down watching a movie it was like time was going slow. I had changed my pants 4 times and just couldn't get comfy. I saw that it was still kind of early and I could make it to the last service. I debated it for a bit and finally said, okay and went. The whole drive there I just prayed that I would not have a panic attack. That I would be okay. I got there and I didn't see a lot of cars. I was okay with that. I went in and found a place to sit and took a seat. No one sat near me. I had a tiny bit of nerves working in me but it wasn't bad. I wasn't shaking too bad either. I have a calm peace over me. The sermon for the day was on getting connected. Joining a connect group. I had been praying that I could get over my shyness and join a group. My notes for the sermon only said Prayer, Connect, and Comfort zone with an x through it. Those were the points I got the most out of.

I haven't been the best at praying. I tend to only do it in the bad times. Now I'm starting to do it all the time. Its almost as thou God needed me to go to church this last Sunday just to get connected. I talked to the connect group pastor after service. Told him I want and need to get connected but my shyness stalls me. He asked if knowing someone in the group would help. It totally would. He then introduced me to one of the leaders of a group close to me. Its what I needed.

Monday rolls around and I had a mental health eval. To get me on the right meds for my issues. Turns out my Dr. is also a Christian. She said it would be a good idea to get involved in a church group. God is showing me all the signs I need to know I need to get connected!

Constantly having worship songs in my head. Praying all the time. Getting connected. Yep God's spirit is working hard core in me.

LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blah

Just having a horrible day. I feel like I'm plummeting into a deep dark black hole. The sad part is. I feel like that's home. That's a comfy spot for me. Where I belong. In that deep deep dark depression. 

Giving up.

Tonight I give up. I really don't want to live anymore.  There is nothing to live for. I'm nothing.  I'm worthless.  A waste of space. Doubt anyone would care if I was gone. Everyone would be better off. Especially me. I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. 

Why can't I just die?

=(

I hate being me at times. Okay most of the time. Maybe that's why I'm single. How can anyone like me if I don't??

And why do men think its okay to just stop talking to someone as a way of saying they don't like you or aren't interested in you? Just fucking tell me! That is way easier then being ignored. It's happening to me for the 4th time.

Do I not deserve to be told I'm not good enough?  Funny thing, I thought I was. I also was stupid and thought this guy was different. I was wrong. VERY wrong. Good thing I only wasted a month talking to this guy. So now I'm sitting here typing this with tears running down my face.

 I need some happy in my life. I'm done with all the shit.

Jumped the gun?

Yep. That's what I did. I jumped the gun. I overreacted to not hearing from someone. I heard from him and met him. Miss him now too.

Too good to be true......

That old saying If things seem too good to be true they probably are. Its very much my life as of right now.

For the last few weeks I have talked to what I thought was an amazing man. He was so sweet. So kind. Called me beautiful, sweety, sexy, and babe. I was starting to fall for him. He said the same thing about me. He has been out of town for work this whole time. Was supposed to come home this week. I haven't heard from him in over 24 hours. When he told me "I miss you babe, I really do"

So if you miss me why is when you get home I don't hear from you? No email. Phone call. NOTHING?!?!

I will admit I'm worried. What if something happened to him? Car accident? Stuck in a ditch on the side of the road? But the big part of me says he really didn't want me. He just said all that stuff. And that's the part that I hear the most. And I believe.


Fuck it all,

Woot Woot!

Since Monday night I have been talking a nice man. We have been emailing each other everyday. He calls me beautiful and sexy. He is super sweet. Sounds like we are meeting next week. So super excited.

With all the stuff I have been through with guys the last few years. I still have my walls up. I still doubt what he says at times. Before I would send him a pic of me I made him send me a shirtless pic of him a head shot. Made sure he wasn't a scammer  and he was telling me the truth about who he is.

Hope this goes well.

The wrong things to say to me.

First off I don't say any of this to offend anyone. If you get your feelings hurt easy DON"T READ.


If we meet on a dating web site don't bash me because I'm not giving you my info. I don't want you to call me. I don't think I could understand you. After all you can't type in proper English. No I don't want an honest gut to have a relation with me. I want an honest guy to have a relationSHIP with me. So go back to your 7-11 and fuck off.

DON'T rub my tummy and tell me I need to work on that. NO SHIT. Like I didn't already know this?

If when I talk to you online and I get the hint you are a scammer or an asshole I will be a bitch to you. You send me pics of your penis and you have pissed me off, I will ask you if its hard and that little. I have no shame. I have done it before and will do it again.

Hmmmm.....

I keep thinking about my past. How I keep setting myself up to be hurt. Why do I do it? Do I secretly enjoy it?

Had an amazing dream last night. I was with a very cool guy. A guy I have a crush on. Not that he notices me. He and I in this dream just hung out. No sex. And he liked me! I hope to someday have that for real. With him would be awesome. Someone else okay too.

The more I think about the hurt in my past the angrier I get at myself. Why do I do it? Is it so a guy will like me? Talk to me?

Is it all because I have a shitty relationship with my dad? Do I want to replace him???

Why me?

Why do I let this happen? Why do I let a guy sweet talk me into bed and be all shocked when he finds someone else? Someday I will learn. I hope its soon.

I just want to scream. To cut my self so there is a reason for the tears. I'm being good and NOT eating everything in the house. NOT cutting. NOT hurting my self in anyway. Its hard. Not going to lie. Pain is the only reason someone should cry. Not because I got my feelings hurt. To me that's weakness. I'm stronger then that.

The "nice" guy I was talking to was also talking to someone else. Said I wasn't the fall back girl until I told him he sounded like my ex. Sorry for being honest.

Just a girl thing?

So I'm sitting here listening to music on YouTube. Is it just girls that tend to cry when a song touches them? Or do straight guys do it too? I'm sure gay guys do. What is it about music that gets me so caught up in it? I can get a song stuck in my head for days and every time I hear it in full I cry. Or I can get 5 songs stuck in at once.

I know some music is like a story for whomever wrote it. Those get me more then anything. Or when I see a concert band perform I get all teary eyed. No idea why. It could be a bunch of 5th graders out of tune and it gets me every time.

This could all because I'm having yet another crappy night. I don't know what's up with me these days. I wish I had someone to talk to. Someone who will listen and not judge. But I feel like everyone judges me. Judges my looks. How I look, act, what I do at work, the decisions I have made.

I just want to be loved.

Oh what a night.

I'm having one of those nights. A night where I just wonder and think is the world better off with out me? Would anyone really miss me? I know the world is better with me and many would miss me. I just can't help to think its not true sometimes.

After all I am a wallflower. I can blend into the background no prob. I don't like being seen. I don't like myself. I HATE the way I look. Mostly the stupid hair on my face. I think that depresses me the most. It isn't really something I can control.

Sometimes I think if I didn't have the hair would I be more confident? Would I flirt more? Not be so shy? Not be a wallflower? Would I break free of all my crap?

I hate having nights like these.

A new goal.

Today while shopping with my bestie, we decided to go to Hawaii next February. Well more like she did. She said I should skip my dirty 30 trip and save more money and go to Hawaii with her next year. Took me all of 2 seconds to say ok. It was pretty much just going to be her and I going anyway. So now I need to lose weight. 

Maybe not need so much as want to lose weight. I want to look good and feel good while I'm there. Silly I know but hey that's me. I know myself and know I have to be pushed HARD to do anything like this. My bestie will be doing it too. As well as some people on twitter. 

So as of the last time I weighed myself I was 247.0 lbs. =( I would like to be under 200. We shall see. 

Not sure how I feel....

Today I have been in the oddest of moods. Not sure what it is. Or what to call it. Kind of a happy sad cranky blah. 

Doesn't help that I have been doing a lot of thinking the last few days. With the new year coming I start thinking about how I'm going to improve. Will I be better at my budget? Will I really be serious about losing weight? Will I really clean my room and keep it clean? Am I really going to go on a vacation for my birthday? If not what am I going to do with all this money I have saved for it? Pay off some bills? Doubt it. Knowing me I will spend it on stupid stuff I don't need. 

I have been doing major thinking about improving myself. Mentally and physically. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being depressed. I hate that I have no energy to do anything. I'd love to go on bike rides this spring and summer. But I don't want to go alone. 

I want to be happy for real. I don't want to fake it anymore. 

I really want to know what its like to be loved by a man. I would like to find my partner in life this year. But I need to break my shyness first. Easier said then done. 

Why I didn't/don't vote

First I don't understand politics. I have tried to learn. I just don't get it. Don't think I ever will.

Second I was forced to become a voter. I was told we couldn't leave the fair until I was registered.

The only time I have voted I was told how to vote. Not sure if it was how I would have voted. That was 4 years ago. I also don't complain. I don't vote therefore I CAN'T complain.

Shoot me if you must. This is just how I feel. And if you can break politics down for a 2 year old please teach me!

All im good for?

I'm begining to think all I'm good for is the random roll in the hay. =(

Can o' worms

So I opened a can o' worms. I emailed someone back. You know the guy I slept with then the next day he told me he was going back to some other chick.

Not sure if its because I'm sick of being alone, or I feel the need for "pain" but I almost want to see him again. I KNOW I shouldn't but I'm sick of being alone.

Even in a crowd I'm alone. I can be with my best friends and still be alone.

Is it so wrong to want to be held, kissed, and told everything is OK even if its not????

I think I have hit rock bottom. I would never take my life, but it sounds pretty damn good right now.

I KNOW SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM. In my head there must be pain for tears to fall. I'm not in pain right now. So why am I crying???? I'm trying so hard right now not to do something to cause pain. Just let the tears fall. I keep holding back.

WHY wont I get the help I need so badly????

I was almost hit head on today on my way to work. I would have been ok if I had been hit.