5 years later

So it has been 5 years since I last posted on here. My last post? About an ex. Scary seeing how wonderful/amazing I thought he was. Yes at first he may have been. Things change. Not always for the good.

After a month I met his kids. They seemed fine at first. Then things changed. I was yelled at, beat on, hit, scratched, strangled, belittled and stolen from. Honestly just treated worse than dog crap on a shoe. It took me over a year to get the courage to leave. Once I did it was like a huge weight lifted off me.

I'm still hurt by that relationship. I ended it 4/10/2016. I have only had 2 short relationships since. I just can't seem to make anything work anymore. Maybe I'm too damaged. I'm not worth the time or effort. I'm too depressed. Too fat. Too ugly.

Do I want too much from a partner? Maybe. But I have standards. I'm tired of being used. For sex, money, a place to live and a taxi. Do I need to leave town to find someone? Maybe. But I won't. I can't leave my mom, my family or my job. I'm way to shy for that.

I have no idea where this blog is going. If I'll keep up with it. Right now its just a jumble of thoughts. Feels good to get it out there. Even if no one reads. BTW I can't spell and sometimes have bad grammar.

Life update

Since my last post something amazing has happened to me. I can still feel God working in my life. I pray it never ends.

On March 25, 2014 I was on plentyoffish.com and I saw a picture. It was a good looking man. I read his profile and thought it would be nice to meet him. So I clicked meet me on his pic. About an hour later he messaged me. We have talked every day since then. On April 6, 2014 we met in person down at Riverfront Park. We went on a nice 3 hour walk. At first we both were wanting to hold hands but didn't. After sitting for a bit we held hands. In an awkward was at first. Then we laced fingers. Before we parted ways he kissed me. We have seen each other on average every other day since then. On April 11, 2014 we officially became a couple.

I am so in love with him. He makes me happy. The happiest I have ever been. He is kind, caring, loving, just AMAZING!!!! We have been together a month and we still haven't had sex. This is a HUGE deal for me. In any relationship in the past within a week I have had sex with the guy. We both want to take things slow. We both go to church when we can. He tells me all the time how wonderful and amazing he thinks I am. When we are together, we can't keep our hands off each other.

I am also looking for a new job.

That's about all that is new.

Feeling His spirit in me.

This post is going to be very different from those in the past. This one is very positive. And if you don't like talking about God then you should stop reading now. Or keep reading. Maybe the Lord will work in your heart and you will be saved. I'll pray for you no matter what.

For the last few weeks or so I have been saying a lot of prayers. Be it at work or home, as I drive or shop. Its like I am constantly having a conversation with God. I have missed church the last few weeks due to work. It sucks. I hadn't planned on going to church this last week either. Mainly because I wouldn't know anyone in the last two services. As I was laying down watching a movie it was like time was going slow. I had changed my pants 4 times and just couldn't get comfy. I saw that it was still kind of early and I could make it to the last service. I debated it for a bit and finally said, okay and went. The whole drive there I just prayed that I would not have a panic attack. That I would be okay. I got there and I didn't see a lot of cars. I was okay with that. I went in and found a place to sit and took a seat. No one sat near me. I had a tiny bit of nerves working in me but it wasn't bad. I wasn't shaking too bad either. I have a calm peace over me. The sermon for the day was on getting connected. Joining a connect group. I had been praying that I could get over my shyness and join a group. My notes for the sermon only said Prayer, Connect, and Comfort zone with an x through it. Those were the points I got the most out of.

I haven't been the best at praying. I tend to only do it in the bad times. Now I'm starting to do it all the time. Its almost as thou God needed me to go to church this last Sunday just to get connected. I talked to the connect group pastor after service. Told him I want and need to get connected but my shyness stalls me. He asked if knowing someone in the group would help. It totally would. He then introduced me to one of the leaders of a group close to me. Its what I needed.

Monday rolls around and I had a mental health eval. To get me on the right meds for my issues. Turns out my Dr. is also a Christian. She said it would be a good idea to get involved in a church group. God is showing me all the signs I need to know I need to get connected!

Constantly having worship songs in my head. Praying all the time. Getting connected. Yep God's spirit is working hard core in me.

LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blah

Just having a horrible day. I feel like I'm plummeting into a deep dark black hole. The sad part is. I feel like that's home. That's a comfy spot for me. Where I belong. In that deep deep dark depression. 

Giving up.

Tonight I give up. I really don't want to live anymore.  There is nothing to live for. I'm nothing.  I'm worthless.  A waste of space. Doubt anyone would care if I was gone. Everyone would be better off. Especially me. I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. 

Why can't I just die?

=(

I hate being me at times. Okay most of the time. Maybe that's why I'm single. How can anyone like me if I don't??

And why do men think its okay to just stop talking to someone as a way of saying they don't like you or aren't interested in you? Just fucking tell me! That is way easier then being ignored. It's happening to me for the 4th time.

Do I not deserve to be told I'm not good enough?  Funny thing, I thought I was. I also was stupid and thought this guy was different. I was wrong. VERY wrong. Good thing I only wasted a month talking to this guy. So now I'm sitting here typing this with tears running down my face.

 I need some happy in my life. I'm done with all the shit.

Jumped the gun?

Yep. That's what I did. I jumped the gun. I overreacted to not hearing from someone. I heard from him and met him. Miss him now too.