Not sure how I feel....

Today I have been in the oddest of moods. Not sure what it is. Or what to call it. Kind of a happy sad cranky blah. 

Doesn't help that I have been doing a lot of thinking the last few days. With the new year coming I start thinking about how I'm going to improve. Will I be better at my budget? Will I really be serious about losing weight? Will I really clean my room and keep it clean? Am I really going to go on a vacation for my birthday? If not what am I going to do with all this money I have saved for it? Pay off some bills? Doubt it. Knowing me I will spend it on stupid stuff I don't need. 

I have been doing major thinking about improving myself. Mentally and physically. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being depressed. I hate that I have no energy to do anything. I'd love to go on bike rides this spring and summer. But I don't want to go alone. 

I want to be happy for real. I don't want to fake it anymore. 

I really want to know what its like to be loved by a man. I would like to find my partner in life this year. But I need to break my shyness first. Easier said then done. 

Why I didn't/don't vote

First I don't understand politics. I have tried to learn. I just don't get it. Don't think I ever will.

Second I was forced to become a voter. I was told we couldn't leave the fair until I was registered.

The only time I have voted I was told how to vote. Not sure if it was how I would have voted. That was 4 years ago. I also don't complain. I don't vote therefore I CAN'T complain.

Shoot me if you must. This is just how I feel. And if you can break politics down for a 2 year old please teach me!

All im good for?

I'm begining to think all I'm good for is the random roll in the hay. =(

Can o' worms

So I opened a can o' worms. I emailed someone back. You know the guy I slept with then the next day he told me he was going back to some other chick.

Not sure if its because I'm sick of being alone, or I feel the need for "pain" but I almost want to see him again. I KNOW I shouldn't but I'm sick of being alone.

Even in a crowd I'm alone. I can be with my best friends and still be alone.

Is it so wrong to want to be held, kissed, and told everything is OK even if its not????

I think I have hit rock bottom. I would never take my life, but it sounds pretty damn good right now.

I KNOW SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM. In my head there must be pain for tears to fall. I'm not in pain right now. So why am I crying???? I'm trying so hard right now not to do something to cause pain. Just let the tears fall. I keep holding back.

WHY wont I get the help I need so badly????

I was almost hit head on today on my way to work. I would have been ok if I had been hit.

FML

It feels like I can't stop crying. Its like its all I ever do anymore. I just want it to stop already. I want to be unbroken. "Normal" really. I don't think that's too much to ask.

I need to not be so scared to get help.

=(

I feel like I'm falling apart. In more then one way. I wanna be fixed.


I'm still really depressed. Still fighting the urge to hurt myself. The only reason being that there must be physical reasons for my tears and pain.

I don't know anymore

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm not happy. I don't know how to fix me. I wish I did.

I keep having dark dreams that wake me up in tears. I don't remember them. I think that's a good thing.

Right now it would be nice for someone to wrap me up in their arms and tell me at some point everything will be OK.

Thanks life.

Had a bad dream last night. Yet again I could see my own death.

I was in a bathroom. It was lit by candles. The tub was full of water and I crawled in. I had a hand full of some kind of pill. I took them all with a Mike's hard lemon-aide. I then took a razor blade and cut up my arm. A straight line from my wrist to my elbow. On both arms I did this. After doing that I sank in the water. All of me was under.

That's when I woke up. I hate these dreams. They always put me in a bad mood.  Just as I was starting to get out of my funk. I have to have this fucking dream. Thanks life.

I would much rather dream of puppies and rainbows.

Super depressed

For some reason I'm super depressed right now. I have been fighting the urge to selfharm all week. This morning I woke up with death on my mind. My own death.

The question of people would care or not keeps running in my head. The answer in my head is no. I'm worthless. No one would care at all.

I KNOW its not true.

I feel so lost right now. I know I am loved and I have people I can talk to. I'm not sure I want to talk to anyone. Not that I like this feeling. I just don't want to talk about it. I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY!!!!!

I'm broken. Something is missing.

Someone put me back together?

numb

So at the end of last week I started talking to a nice guy. He was just a few years older then me. Taller then me, really sweet and very nice. We talked a few days and then last night I went  to his place to meet him. Everything went great. I wasn't that shy around him. I cuddled right up to him as we watched a movie. We kissed a little. We talked and sadly I gave in and we had sex.

He kept telling me how cute I was and that he wants to date me. I was excited. I met a "good" guy for once.

I texted him today and asked how his day was. After about 20 minuets I get a 3 page text. This is what he said.

"You are going to think I"m a total asshole. I'm so sorry. I can't see you again. I had a girl I was dating and she and I couldn't agree on which way to go together or seperate. She had lunch with me today. We are getting back together. I'm so so sorry. I feel like a jackass. You are a very sweet girl. Don't be dicouraged by this. If I didn't say yes to her today there would have been lingering doubt and that would have been way less fair to you than this is."

I started to cry as I read this. I texted him back. Not so nicely. "Wow. Thanks. And you wondered why I didn't want to have sex? THIS is why."

He said "again im so sorry." I sent him a nice. "whatever"

He is now deleted. I really wish I wasn't crying over this.

Excited

On Sunday, I am getting baptized. I'm very excited for this too. =) Its like I have gone from the lowest of low's to the highest of highs.

Almost fixed.

So for the last few weeks I have been going back to church. Last week and again this week I met with a pastor. It has helped me so much. I feel like I'm now in the right frame of mind. =)

Things are looking up.

So I went and talked to one of the pastors at church today. I really opened up to him. Cried a little. It really felt good.

With my depression I have been doubting my faith. I was able to express my thoughts without being judged. He was also able to help answer some questions too.

We are meeting again next week. I'm hoping this all helps.

Hmmmm

Its been at least 3 week since I last heard from my email buddy. Heard from him tonight. He had some crappy "family" stuff going on. Not sure if I believe him. I'm just a little confused.

I'm really confused by other things as well. But whatever. I just need to forget. That persons loss.

Blah

I have felt like crying all day. I'm holding back for unknown reasons. These ups and downs could also stop anytime now too. I hate it! I want to be normal.

Asking too much?

Is it asking too much to find someone to love me for me? To find someone to make me feel special?

This is what I'm looking for:
Someone taller then me. 5'6 or taller.
Has to be able to drive themselves around.
Must have a job.
Can't be too young. At least 21, however 26 would be best.


That is my list for now. Might add more later. Pretty sure the people I want to read this wont.

Sad Panda.

Problem.

Crushing on someone sucks hardcore.
I'm single and horny as hell.
I want my crush.

Too little too late?

I'm sorry. I hope you are reading this and know who you are. I hope you can forgive me. Please let me know if you do or not. I feel like I lost a new friend.

I need to think before I speak. Or publish a blog. My biggest fear is that's what's going to get me to lose friends. Old or new.

Why am I so stupid sometimes?

Bridges burned?

Have I burned my bridges? With my last few blog posts?

Best I ever had?

What the hell is wrong with me? I just hear Gary Allan sing "Best I Ever Had" and thought what if Kev was the best I ever had? Does that mean I'm left to live a life lonely with cats? Why can stinky girls get a guy but not me? I see girls at work all the time that smell bad and don't take care of themselves and they have a man in their lives. Why can't I? Is there something wrong with me? If so someone please tell me!!!!!!!!

=)

First off I'd like to say Thank You Mr Tease. (The guy from here in town) you know who you are and what you said. NO SPANKING FOR YOU!!!!!

On a MUCH bigger and BRIGHTER note. I went to the tweetup today. Yeah I shook like a leaf but I made it. All by myself! Met some really nice people. Going to try and make it every week from now on.

I feel like an idiot for not going sooner and for being scared. But that's just me.

And Thanks to my friend for reading everyday!

Thanks.

Now I know I have fucked up big time. I enjoy being ignored by you. Makes me feel loved. Thanks for telling me it will happen knowing it wont. I hope that made you feel better about yourself tease. Thanks for starting a story with me and then not talking for a week. Just for you to pop up in Oregon at your "sisters" place.  At least I still have all those pictures you sent me. You probably still have mine too. Glad I never sent my face shots.

So very glad I didn't make plans to go to Missoula on my birthday. That would have killed me. Its not cool to leave a girl hanging like this dude. Really not cool if you call me Mistress. You want me to do to you what we talk about things need to change.

Not sure why I'm writing this. He doesn't read this. It must be more for me.

Talking helps. I hope someone listens.

Today was a little scary in my mind. I was sooooo mad and not in a good mood that I really thought about going home and ending it. Then I took a deep breath and told myself that suicide isn't worth it. My problems won't last that long. Suicide is FOREVER! And I don't know how I would handle it if I lived. Just the other night I had the pizza slicer in my hand and wondered if that could cut my arm. Wrist to elbow up the vain. I have had dreams of my own death at times the last few weeks.

I'm glad I'm too scared to do anything. But I hate this suffering. The pills my Dr. gave me aren't working. Maybe there is more then just the depression going on. I really should find a new Dr. I don't think my old one takes my new insurance. If I can't I'm fucked. =/

Am I just a fool to be played with?

Lately I feel like I have been played a fool the last few weeks. If its not one person its another. It could just be me overreacting. I don't know. I just wish I could call said people out on it. But I'm too chicken shit to do so.  Not sure if either of the two main people read this.

I just wish I didn't care so fucking much!!! If only I couldn't give a fuck! But I do.

I hate being me. I want to be someone else. Someone who is liked, loved, and feels it. I know I'm liked and loved. I just don't feel it. Well not from everyone. Sometimes I feel like when I talk its to an empty room. No one listens or cares. It may not be true but its how I feel. Like this blog. I see the views go up but I don't feel as if people are really reading it. Oh well.

Maybe this is the sign I need to get back to church. Maybe even talk to the pastor about counseling. She how much that will cost and maybe get better.

Am I just a fool to be played with?

Lately I feel like I have been played a fool the last few weeks. If its not one person its another. It could just be me overreacting. I don't know. I just wish I could call said people out on it. But I'm too chicken shit to do so.  Not sure if either of the two main people read this.

I just wish I didn't care so fucking much!!! If only I couldn't give a fuck! But I do.

I hate being me. I want to be someone else. Someone who is liked, loved, and feels it. I know I'm liked and loved. I just don't feel it. Well not from everyone. Sometimes I feel like when I talk its to an empty room. No one listens or cares. It may not be true but its how I feel. Like this blog. I see the views go up but I don't feel as if people are really reading it. Oh well.

Maybe this is the sign I need to get back to church. Maybe even talk to the pastor about counseling. She how much that will cost and maybe get better.

And the hits just keep coming...

I'm at a point in life where I want to change. For the good or bad I don't really care. I just need a change in my life. I'm too trusting. I was talking to a guy from out of state and I hadn't heard from him in two weeks. I just guessed he forgot about me. I got an email from him today. He has moved I guess.
I just feel like he is playing me right now. Its almost like Kev again. I need to be doen with that. I need better in my life. Its just so hard to find it when you are as shy as me.

Anyone have any tips on how to overcome my shyness?

I wonder......

Do I try too hard? Or not hard enough??

"Drama Everything"

I have had the song "Drama Everything" by Blue October stuck in my head for the last week or so. I love that song. I really hope they come back to Spokane again. 

I'm sore all over. I went out and drank way to fast on St. Paddy's Day. I had the WORST hangover yesterday. Today just feels like I did one hell of a workout. 

This is the most random of ramblings I have. There is so much going on in my head and I want to get it down. But I fear being judged. I want to get over that fear! So freaking bad. 

I don't want to be labeled as an emo or goth person. I don't believe I am. I am DEPRESSED. That's all that is wrong with me.  Aside from the fact that I hate my body. The way I look. I'm working on it tho. =)

=/

I tend to over think things.

Like today I said something to someone. Now I wish I could take it back. I can't. I was just hoping to keep our convo from last week happening and maybe all that we said could happen. I don't think it will. Oh well right?

Now I fear said person reads this and says something. Fuck.

I write these blogs hoping now one reads them but at the same time wishing someone does. Maybe this is the only way for me to express myself. I hate being so fucking shy. I want to be able to make more friends. To be able to meet new people with out being scared shit-less would be nice. I feel so alone. I know I'm not. I hate getting in moods where I think no one likes me. I'm starting to get in one of those moods now. Its hard to try and dig my self out. But I am trying!!

To everyone who reads this Thanks! Feel free to let me know you like or hate reading this.

A little girl in pain.

Woke up in an ok mood today. Then I checked my check. Missing 8 hours. Then I said something on twitter and some lady pretty much called me a slut. Pissed me off. Then my hair dried bedore I could get it done so it looks like crap. I almost fell face first out of the tub getting out of the shower. Went to throw away my dinner from last night and it fell all over the floor. Its not a good day.

With all of that happening I have the urge to selfharm. I won't but the urge is right there. Its like if I do that maybe everything else that goes wrong won't be as bad. I have one fucked up mind. In my mind harming myself is ok because of the bad day.

Who really thinks like that???

Blah

Drank a little too much and now I feel a little blah. Feel like I could cry too. I hate being depressed and drinking.

=)

I'm super excited about something. If it happens that is. But at the same time I'm in a lot of pain. Did something to my foot and that is causing pain in me leg and knee. Of course its my bad knee that hurts. Wouldn't doubt it if I have to get it replaced at some point.

I'm way too young to feel this old. =(

Thinking....

Been thinking a bit the last few days. It just might be time to break out of my shell and meet new people. I kick my own ass every time there is a tweet up and I don't go. I blame it on the panic attacks I have when driving downtown but its more just my shyness that stops me. 


Why am I okay with online interaction and not face to face? Part of me thinks its because I'm still really hurt by Tim and Kevin. I thought I was pretty much over Kev but then I think about all he did and I just get more and more upset. Tim I don't think I will ever be over. Maybe if he told me why he stopped talking to him. Not that I would believe him. 


If I wasn't so shy maybe I would have that "someone" in my life. I wouldn't mind having someone to cuddle next to while watching a scary movie. Someone to go on a walk with and hold hands. Even a simple hug would be nice. I don't think that's asking for a lot. I just want to feel loved. I don't think that is asking for too much. Maybe it is. I don't know. 


If you are reading this Kevin Matthew Guatney. I hate you with as much passion a person can hate. 

Oh how the times have changed.

Since my last post things have changed. For the good? Maybe. I feel as if I have grown as a person. But yet I still have lots to learn. 


I still feel lost in this great big stupid world. Who knows maybe I always will? I really hope that's not true. I would love to find my "spot" in this world. I have also had less urge to hurt or harm myself. This is a big thing for me. I may have NEVER hurt myself but have wanted to. I used to beat my self up all the time. I haven't done that in at least a year, pretty sure longer. 


On a happier note, about a month ago I got CSS. Well kinda. Its only a secondary spot but its a step in the right direction. I'm LOVING it so far. Haven't had too many issues. Everyone keeps saying "its about time". I love that. I interviewed for the claims lead spot. Didn't get it. Really didn't want it. I don't think I have the leadership skills I need to move up the food chain. My friend Tracey got it. I'm glad she did. 


This is all for now.