Just a girl thing?

So I'm sitting here listening to music on YouTube. Is it just girls that tend to cry when a song touches them? Or do straight guys do it too? I'm sure gay guys do. What is it about music that gets me so caught up in it? I can get a song stuck in my head for days and every time I hear it in full I cry. Or I can get 5 songs stuck in at once.

I know some music is like a story for whomever wrote it. Those get me more then anything. Or when I see a concert band perform I get all teary eyed. No idea why. It could be a bunch of 5th graders out of tune and it gets me every time.

This could all because I'm having yet another crappy night. I don't know what's up with me these days. I wish I had someone to talk to. Someone who will listen and not judge. But I feel like everyone judges me. Judges my looks. How I look, act, what I do at work, the decisions I have made.

I just want to be loved.

Oh what a night.

I'm having one of those nights. A night where I just wonder and think is the world better off with out me? Would anyone really miss me? I know the world is better with me and many would miss me. I just can't help to think its not true sometimes.

After all I am a wallflower. I can blend into the background no prob. I don't like being seen. I don't like myself. I HATE the way I look. Mostly the stupid hair on my face. I think that depresses me the most. It isn't really something I can control.

Sometimes I think if I didn't have the hair would I be more confident? Would I flirt more? Not be so shy? Not be a wallflower? Would I break free of all my crap?

I hate having nights like these.

A new goal.

Today while shopping with my bestie, we decided to go to Hawaii next February. Well more like she did. She said I should skip my dirty 30 trip and save more money and go to Hawaii with her next year. Took me all of 2 seconds to say ok. It was pretty much just going to be her and I going anyway. So now I need to lose weight. 

Maybe not need so much as want to lose weight. I want to look good and feel good while I'm there. Silly I know but hey that's me. I know myself and know I have to be pushed HARD to do anything like this. My bestie will be doing it too. As well as some people on twitter. 

So as of the last time I weighed myself I was 247.0 lbs. =( I would like to be under 200. We shall see. 

Not sure how I feel....

Today I have been in the oddest of moods. Not sure what it is. Or what to call it. Kind of a happy sad cranky blah. 

Doesn't help that I have been doing a lot of thinking the last few days. With the new year coming I start thinking about how I'm going to improve. Will I be better at my budget? Will I really be serious about losing weight? Will I really clean my room and keep it clean? Am I really going to go on a vacation for my birthday? If not what am I going to do with all this money I have saved for it? Pay off some bills? Doubt it. Knowing me I will spend it on stupid stuff I don't need. 

I have been doing major thinking about improving myself. Mentally and physically. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being depressed. I hate that I have no energy to do anything. I'd love to go on bike rides this spring and summer. But I don't want to go alone. 

I want to be happy for real. I don't want to fake it anymore. 

I really want to know what its like to be loved by a man. I would like to find my partner in life this year. But I need to break my shyness first. Easier said then done. 

Why I didn't/don't vote

First I don't understand politics. I have tried to learn. I just don't get it. Don't think I ever will.

Second I was forced to become a voter. I was told we couldn't leave the fair until I was registered.

The only time I have voted I was told how to vote. Not sure if it was how I would have voted. That was 4 years ago. I also don't complain. I don't vote therefore I CAN'T complain.

Shoot me if you must. This is just how I feel. And if you can break politics down for a 2 year old please teach me!

All im good for?

I'm begining to think all I'm good for is the random roll in the hay. =(

Can o' worms

So I opened a can o' worms. I emailed someone back. You know the guy I slept with then the next day he told me he was going back to some other chick.

Not sure if its because I'm sick of being alone, or I feel the need for "pain" but I almost want to see him again. I KNOW I shouldn't but I'm sick of being alone.

Even in a crowd I'm alone. I can be with my best friends and still be alone.

Is it so wrong to want to be held, kissed, and told everything is OK even if its not????

I think I have hit rock bottom. I would never take my life, but it sounds pretty damn good right now.

I KNOW SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM. In my head there must be pain for tears to fall. I'm not in pain right now. So why am I crying???? I'm trying so hard right now not to do something to cause pain. Just let the tears fall. I keep holding back.

WHY wont I get the help I need so badly????