I was almost hit head on today on my way to work. I would have been ok if I had been hit.

FML

It feels like I can't stop crying. Its like its all I ever do anymore. I just want it to stop already. I want to be unbroken. "Normal" really. I don't think that's too much to ask.

I need to not be so scared to get help.

=(

I feel like I'm falling apart. In more then one way. I wanna be fixed.


I'm still really depressed. Still fighting the urge to hurt myself. The only reason being that there must be physical reasons for my tears and pain.

I don't know anymore

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm not happy. I don't know how to fix me. I wish I did.

I keep having dark dreams that wake me up in tears. I don't remember them. I think that's a good thing.

Right now it would be nice for someone to wrap me up in their arms and tell me at some point everything will be OK.

Thanks life.

Had a bad dream last night. Yet again I could see my own death.

I was in a bathroom. It was lit by candles. The tub was full of water and I crawled in. I had a hand full of some kind of pill. I took them all with a Mike's hard lemon-aide. I then took a razor blade and cut up my arm. A straight line from my wrist to my elbow. On both arms I did this. After doing that I sank in the water. All of me was under.

That's when I woke up. I hate these dreams. They always put me in a bad mood.  Just as I was starting to get out of my funk. I have to have this fucking dream. Thanks life.

I would much rather dream of puppies and rainbows.

Super depressed

For some reason I'm super depressed right now. I have been fighting the urge to selfharm all week. This morning I woke up with death on my mind. My own death.

The question of people would care or not keeps running in my head. The answer in my head is no. I'm worthless. No one would care at all.

I KNOW its not true.

I feel so lost right now. I know I am loved and I have people I can talk to. I'm not sure I want to talk to anyone. Not that I like this feeling. I just don't want to talk about it. I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY!!!!!

I'm broken. Something is missing.

Someone put me back together?

numb

So at the end of last week I started talking to a nice guy. He was just a few years older then me. Taller then me, really sweet and very nice. We talked a few days and then last night I went  to his place to meet him. Everything went great. I wasn't that shy around him. I cuddled right up to him as we watched a movie. We kissed a little. We talked and sadly I gave in and we had sex.

He kept telling me how cute I was and that he wants to date me. I was excited. I met a "good" guy for once.

I texted him today and asked how his day was. After about 20 minuets I get a 3 page text. This is what he said.

"You are going to think I"m a total asshole. I'm so sorry. I can't see you again. I had a girl I was dating and she and I couldn't agree on which way to go together or seperate. She had lunch with me today. We are getting back together. I'm so so sorry. I feel like a jackass. You are a very sweet girl. Don't be dicouraged by this. If I didn't say yes to her today there would have been lingering doubt and that would have been way less fair to you than this is."

I started to cry as I read this. I texted him back. Not so nicely. "Wow. Thanks. And you wondered why I didn't want to have sex? THIS is why."

He said "again im so sorry." I sent him a nice. "whatever"

He is now deleted. I really wish I wasn't crying over this.