All im good for?

I'm begining to think all I'm good for is the random roll in the hay. =(

Can o' worms

So I opened a can o' worms. I emailed someone back. You know the guy I slept with then the next day he told me he was going back to some other chick.

Not sure if its because I'm sick of being alone, or I feel the need for "pain" but I almost want to see him again. I KNOW I shouldn't but I'm sick of being alone.

Even in a crowd I'm alone. I can be with my best friends and still be alone.

Is it so wrong to want to be held, kissed, and told everything is OK even if its not????

I think I have hit rock bottom. I would never take my life, but it sounds pretty damn good right now.

I KNOW SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM. In my head there must be pain for tears to fall. I'm not in pain right now. So why am I crying???? I'm trying so hard right now not to do something to cause pain. Just let the tears fall. I keep holding back.

WHY wont I get the help I need so badly????

I was almost hit head on today on my way to work. I would have been ok if I had been hit.

FML

It feels like I can't stop crying. Its like its all I ever do anymore. I just want it to stop already. I want to be unbroken. "Normal" really. I don't think that's too much to ask.

I need to not be so scared to get help.

=(

I feel like I'm falling apart. In more then one way. I wanna be fixed.


I'm still really depressed. Still fighting the urge to hurt myself. The only reason being that there must be physical reasons for my tears and pain.

I don't know anymore

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm not happy. I don't know how to fix me. I wish I did.

I keep having dark dreams that wake me up in tears. I don't remember them. I think that's a good thing.

Right now it would be nice for someone to wrap me up in their arms and tell me at some point everything will be OK.

Thanks life.

Had a bad dream last night. Yet again I could see my own death.

I was in a bathroom. It was lit by candles. The tub was full of water and I crawled in. I had a hand full of some kind of pill. I took them all with a Mike's hard lemon-aide. I then took a razor blade and cut up my arm. A straight line from my wrist to my elbow. On both arms I did this. After doing that I sank in the water. All of me was under.

That's when I woke up. I hate these dreams. They always put me in a bad mood.  Just as I was starting to get out of my funk. I have to have this fucking dream. Thanks life.

I would much rather dream of puppies and rainbows.