Hmmmm.....

I keep thinking about my past. How I keep setting myself up to be hurt. Why do I do it? Do I secretly enjoy it?

Had an amazing dream last night. I was with a very cool guy. A guy I have a crush on. Not that he notices me. He and I in this dream just hung out. No sex. And he liked me! I hope to someday have that for real. With him would be awesome. Someone else okay too.

The more I think about the hurt in my past the angrier I get at myself. Why do I do it? Is it so a guy will like me? Talk to me?

Is it all because I have a shitty relationship with my dad? Do I want to replace him???

Why me?

Why do I let this happen? Why do I let a guy sweet talk me into bed and be all shocked when he finds someone else? Someday I will learn. I hope its soon.

I just want to scream. To cut my self so there is a reason for the tears. I'm being good and NOT eating everything in the house. NOT cutting. NOT hurting my self in anyway. Its hard. Not going to lie. Pain is the only reason someone should cry. Not because I got my feelings hurt. To me that's weakness. I'm stronger then that.

The "nice" guy I was talking to was also talking to someone else. Said I wasn't the fall back girl until I told him he sounded like my ex. Sorry for being honest.